Please excuse my appearance tonight…no makeup, hair up in a ponytail, warm pink pajamas and clean white socks, and swollen eyes from a teary session earlier in the day. Sitting cross-legged in my comfy queen size bed I’m surrounded by a menagerie of pillows and a pile of soft knit blankets. Candles provide just enough light to help me find my way around the keyboard. I prefer to write in silence without distractions. There is no music or TV on. In fact, there are no sounds other than the tapping of my fingers against the keys.
My cat is out for her usual late night hunt and will discard the remains of her prey on the deck for me to sweep away in the morning. The neighborhood is peaceful. The house is quiet, warm and properly arranged for the night. Now I’m ready to look back over my day.
It’s day 8 of having no contact with my ex-lover. The occasional thought of him creeps into my brain without warning. This brings on a flood of emotions that come with the loss of a love. My mind suddenly becomes twisted and he’s on a pedestal looking down on me while I’m trying to hold onto him, believing he has the power to determine my fate.
In reality, I tried to adapt to a lifestyle that just didn’t work for me. He was a widow 11 years younger than me with teenage children at home. As hard as I tried to see myself as the woman of the house if our relationship continued, I knew deep down inside my gut that raising another family was not part of my plan. Regardless, I convinced myself that I was in love with him and when it ended I was heartbroken…go figure. I was chosen by a man years younger than me and my ego took over my common sense. I wasn’t ready to give him up even though he could never be the right one for me.
Luckily sanity returns, the mind untwists and I can once again reason my way out of the tears and painful emotions. The truth is, he wasn’t that special and I’m not that desperate. Only I can decide who to give my heart to, who to share my spirit with and who to allow to see into my soul. I give only what I want to give, only what I can give and nothing more. No one has the power to determine my fate. It pays to be fearless. Love to all…Karm
Posted on February 4, 2012, in Dating & Sex, Relationships, Writing and tagged breaking up, love, musings, online dating, rants, relationships, sex and dating, women, writing. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.