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Black and Blue

Did you ever have a broken heart that took forever to heal…a  heart that  hurt so much it was  black and blue…you’re sure you’ll never get over that person who was such a big love in your life… crying day and night for days, weeks, months and not believing love could hurt so much…wailing and waiting for closure and for the day when you can say your heart is not your enemy?

Then one day you wake up and realize you’re over them.

 

It pays to be fearless. Love to you all…Karm

Back Stabbers

I met Mr. BooHoo on a dating site several months ago and we became friends. We never met in person but had many phone conversations, and emailed each other daily.   We shared a lot of very personal things about ourselves and got to know each other well, despite the fact we were not romantically involved.

When I was dealing with a breakup I confided in him about the relationship.  Mr. BooHoo never liked my ex and was always very supportive and empathetic.  He called me every morning to see if I was doing alright.  They weren’t friends and never talked so I trusted him not to repeat anything I said.

Two months ago Mr. BooHoo and I had a disagreement over what I thought was a minor misunderstanding.  He was very upset and left the dating site… we didn’t talk or email again.

A week ago he came back to the dating site and began sending me rude, nasty emails.  Apparently, the disagreement made him so angry that he wanted to get revenge.  He contacted my ex to talk about me.

I couldn’t imagine him going to my ex and telling him things we talked about, but that’s exactly what he did.   My ex never liked him either but apparently had no problem sharing his own dirty secrets about me.  I guess that’s what you call male bonding.

I was stunned and then furious when he told me what he had done.  Now I was in his line of fire and he was unloading his barrel on me.   This time it was a double barrel of his bull shit and my ex’s pathetic bull shit stories about me.  Mr. BooHoo broke boundaries that can never be repaired.

He told me a lot of hurtful things my ex said about me, not as a friend, but to torture me as much as he could.  He did it to hurt and humiliate me.  Then he demanded to know if it was all true.  It’s a disgrace when friends betray you and repeat what you talked about in confidence.  It was an attack on my pride and my self-esteem.  The two of them deserve each other.

Mr. BooHoo is known for backstabbing women in the forums. I know I’m not the first one and I won’t be the last. I was warned about him by a lot of women who’ve had similar experiences with him.  Women told me not to trust him, but until I saw it for myself I gave him the benefit of the doubt.  I’ll be sure to let those ladies know they were right about him.

I told Mr. BooHoo to have his fun while he can because Karma is a bitch.  The first thing I did was block him as a friend on the dating site to stop the emails.  Then I blocked him on my Facebook page.   I blocked his phone number so he can’t call or text me.  Keeping him at a distance will speak volumes about how I feel.

I’ve got more important things to focus on than his drama.  If he’s still really angry and depressed about this he can always call my ex and cry on his shoulder again.   I’ll give him the phone number if he wants it.  Pass the tissues because he’s going to need them.

How would you feel if this happened to you?  How would you deal with it?  What would you do?

Hoo-Rah!

Forgive Me

There eventually comes a time in the whole spiritual evolution of letting go of a failed relationship when we have to forgive.

It’s time for me to forgive me, not him.

My soul is aching for forgiveness. It wants to soar in freedom and peace.

To release the pain that binds me to the unhappy experience I must  confront the self-incrimination.

Self-blame and regret keeps me blinded to the truth. Enough is enough.

I’ve been angry and hurt  long enough. I choose life and a chance to love again.

Now it’s time to stop looking for answers and just simply be me again. I am human…a work of art in progress.

I made mistakes along the way and have beaten myself up emotionally.

Today I”m putting the focus back on me and my well-being.  All my mistakes are forgivable.  Some mistakes are real, others are imagined. My inner voice has shouted that I am a failure…until today.

These are the 20 things about me in that relationship that deserves forgiveness, will seek forgiveness and will be forgiven. I forgive myself for…

  1. Believing the worst about me
  2. Being too hard on myself
  3. The emotional assaults on myself
  4. Compromising my own values and needs
  5. Taking a risk that ended up hurting
  6. Losing my voice and not speaking up
  7. Not being compassionate toward myself
  8. Punishing and judging myself as a failure
  9. Tolerating his lack of capacity for intimacy
  10. Staying despite the warning signs and red flags
  11. Letting my self-worth get trampled by rejection
  12. Avoiding conflict, merely going along to get along
  13. Trying to comfort  him when I was hurting too
  14. Giving too much of myself to him and not enough to me
  15. Allowing him to change my perception of the experience
  16. Letting him intimidate me with his emotional withdrawal
  17. Staying with a man who was not good for me emotionally
  18. Settling for feeling like the other woman with his ex/dead wife
  19. Not leaving his house when it was clear I wasn’t appreciated there
  20. A gamut of feelings and emotions, i.e.  hurt, resentment, anger, frustration, fear, disappointment, shame, guilt, embarrassment and humiliation

What I did, how I felt, my reactions and my emotions are who I am. Once I forgive myself good things will happen. I’ll put on my sexy stockings and high heels and get ready to dance again.

the only thing that matters is what you say about you…not what others say about you. 

stay strong and in the present moment to reap your rewards

It pays to be fearless. Love to all….Karm

Can’t Fight It

Dear Mr. Pathetic,

It’s been two months today since our break-up. I think I’m doing amazingly well getting over you. As a matter of fact, I can hardly remember what I saw in you that made me fall head over heels.

There have been days in the last month when I’ve written rants and poetry memorializing you. I’m glad those sad days are few and far between now.

Not being in a relationship with you isn’t as difficult as I thought it would be. In fact, the relief of not having to deal with you on a daily basis is a real plus.

Those long phone calls listening to you complaining about every little thing in your life made me very tired, especially the calls on your way to work at 5 a.m.  Grrrrr! I don’t miss them.

The constant whining and endless stories about your (dead) wife…well all I can say is, “dead wives make cold bed partners.” Get over it.

You have more baggage than a 747.  I keep asking myself, “what was I thinking?”

Now I’m out meeting new people and having more fun than I ever had with you. It’s over so there’s no reason not to make the most of my new freedom.

Memories and thoughts of you are fading.  Six months from now I probably won’t even remember your name.  Life goes on and that’s a good thing.

Mr. P have a good life. LMSSSFKDAO

(laughing my sweet silly sexy free Karmic Diva ass off)

It pays to be fearless. Love to you all…Karm

Dear Sorrow

Dear deep and penetrating sorrow,

For many breathless moments I grieved, mourned

For what I once believed was a lasting bond

I confess

The days and nights spent with you seemed endless

My nightmares of betrayal and doom

Brought to the surface a festering wound

Goddesses gathered to hear the pain

of my tortured vision of infinite blame

Angels came to reveal my ability

to hear unspoken truth, to accept reality

Healing is now, forgiveness may never be

But I know that through you I am finding me

———————————————————-

It pays to be fearless. Love to you all…Karm

Music is “New Day” by Philip Wesley

Just More Me

This beautiful music by Isaac Shepard was my inspiration for this poem.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Why Beat a Dead Horse?

What’s the point of being with a man that can’t or won’t satisfy me? I mean really!  If I’m thinking about spending a good part of my life with him and he doesn’t give me what I need to feel like a sexy woman in bed, then why bother?

Let’s face it ladies. We put a lot of energy into a relationship. We cater and coddle. We flatter and praise. We nurture and nourish. If he’s not regularly making deposits that make me feel good into my emotional bank account there’s a problem.

The so-called great sex can’t be all that great if he can’t be emotionally intimate with me.  With emotional intimacy comes tenderness, passion, and his desire to please me. This means he does whatever it takes, and takes the time I need to reach orgasm.

He puts my needs first and he stays connected with me through the sexual experience.  I want to feel my man beside, not just his body but his total attention. That’s what I consider to be great sex. That’s what I call making love.

A man can be good at sex simply because he has the skills and equipment to be a good lover. That’s fine for casual sex partners but it doesn’t make him relationship material. He might be a fun playmate for awhile but why commit?

On the other hand,  he may not be good at making love if he is emotionally bankrupt.  If he doesn’t draw out my passion, he’s not enough of a man for me to be in a relationship with.

Women know when a man feels no emotional connection  to them.  They know when their lover is being selfish. A man can’t fake that. I can be unsatisfied and blame him or I can accept the fact that I’m not getting my needs met by the man.

There are men in my past who have been good enough to get me, but not enough of a man to keep me. At this point in my life I move on and don’t waste my time trying to beat a dead horse, or trying to coax a dead horse back to life.

I move on because I can…I want to…I will!

It pays to be fearless.   Love to all…..Karm

The Bimbette Arrives

My friends are constantly reminding me to not worry…that karma will take care of him.  The cliche, “what goes around comes around” is what they’re talking about. I’ve been told that when someone treats you really badly the universe steps in and makes the correction for you.

In the meantime, it hurts like hell and moving on has been tough. I don’t bounce like I used to and I miss him sometimes. Slowly my heart, my confidence, my self-esteem and my pride are being renewed and I’m feeling relatively whole again. I think I’ve managed to pick up all the broken pieces of me by now and the wounds are healing.

In an earlier post I talked about finally letting go by sending Mr. Pathetic to hell. I have to say it worked! I haven’t been tempted to talk to him since…you can’t talk to someone who’s been sent to hell. It’s the closure I needed…the point of no return, no doubts, no regrets.  Logical thinking has crept back into my brain!

The email I wrote when I sent him to hell also had a wish for him in it. I hoped that he would find the bimbette of his dreams who will sit in the bitch seat of his life for awhile and make him as miserable as he made me. Well, I’m happy to announce that this has happened. The bimbette has arrived.

She was once a friend to me, and listened to my pain over the breakup like a true friend would. I confided in her about what I went through with him.

Somewhere along the line she decided to pick at my leftovers. She started flirting with Mr. P like a bimbette in heat. I know her well…she’s desperate for a man. No longer my friend, she is truly the bimbette I wished on him. I love Karma…bring it on.

It pays to be fearless. Love to you all…Karm

Who’s Next?

I decided to check my inbox on the dating site today. It’s been a week since I logged in. There were 37 messages to read.

Some messages were from men I talk to online but who have no dating potential. Usually it’s because they live too far away to meet. I’m not going to chase men all over the country for a date.  Paleeze. I don’t need to travel across state lines to get laid.

Mr. Pathetic  lived 3 hours away – 3 states away, so it’s not like I haven’t tried it. Mr. P was my first cougar dating experience so I broke all the rules and threw caution to the wind with reckless abandonment. It was one hell of a ride. Lessons learned…long distance relationships don’t work for me.

Some messages were the usual boring “hi, how are you?” Not much effort or imagination is put into a message like that so I don’t pay much attention to it.  I read their profile and if they look remotely interesting I’ll send a “hi” back.  If not I hit the delete button and move on.

For once there was an email from a guy who might have some potential. He lives close by and his email got my attention.

He wrote, Hello there my name is JD,
I was just checking out your profile and i wanted to send you a message. You sound so nice your just my type of woman and what I’m looking for. And your pic’s you are so attractive, very pretty 🙂 I would really like to get to know you more and hopefully meet up and take you out for drinks and have a great time together 🙂 Plus your not far from me at all that’s a good thing. When you get a chance message me back ok i hope to hear from you soon JD

Well, of course I responded.  He’s hot…at my age I like hot!  I’m so shallow!  He’s a well-groomed professional man with a penchant for adventure (ooooolala). I’ll keep you posted but for now I’m still accepting applications.

It pays to be fearless…Have a wonderful day…March 1st…Karm

Send Him to Hell

It’s been one month since my break up with Mr. Pathetic. It was the day when I realized how much he meant to me and how little I meant to him. The pain of that has been very deep. My inner flower child hasn’t been too happy with the situation either.

This past month has been an emotional roller coaster. Some days are filled with broken lines and jagged edges that rip my heart up even more. We’ve had no contact and that’s a good thing. I’ve been tempted at times to email him but I have nothing left to say.

I blocked his phone number so he can’t call. Otherwise I would have tormented myself waiting for him to call. I also blocked his email address so I’m not waiting and hoping for a message he will never send. There’s no way I’m going to let his words and games hurt me again.

I finally got to the point where I had enough misery over this and it was time to cut the cord once and for all. I decided to send him to hell and be done with him.

It’s not as difficult as one might think to send someone to hell who deserves to be there, who needs to go there (in your opinion). What better revenge than to  send his pathetic self to a place where Karma will do it’s best work.

A wise friend, one of my favorite angels said something that made me think.  With much empathy she said, “As you know Karma will happen for hurting you like that! Hope he finds his Bimbette and she lets him know he’s too old after all.”

I decided to send him one last email…my final answer…the last word…to send him to hell.

Happy Anniversary Mr. Pathetic,

This anniversary is one worth celebrating. It’s been one month since you attempted to make me crumble to my knees over losing you. I truly hope you are as happy as you hoped to be without me around.  I’ve had a month to figure things out and to realize that men like you are a dime a dozen… but it’s time for me to move on now. If I had known then what I know now I would have cut you loose much sooner.  I hope you find the bimbette of your dreams who will sit in the bitch seat of your life for awhile and make you as miserable as you made me. You deserve it.  Happy Anniversary Mr. P. I am looking forward to a lifetime of them.  No need to reply. Enjoy your trip. Karm

Then I played my favorite Pussycat Dolls song and danced around the house. Now all I have to do is take care of me and let Karma take care of him. I feel empowered now.

My inner flower child and I have returned to the silly life we had before Mr. P came along. It’s a beautiful life, full of hope, where dreams come true. It’s a life I don’t need to be rescued from…it’s a life I love.

It pays to be fearless. Love to all….Karm